She’s a Single mother, do those words make you feel uncomfortable, cringe, ashamed, embarrassed, proud, frustrated, strong, fear, empowered, courageous?
They are just words, but in this world, those words seem to have so much weight. You hear them say “It takes a village“ or at the very least a small circle but more and more it is being left to one person.
Here are some things you might not know about single parents…
It is never planned. Nobody woke up one morning and said “I want to have a baby and do it all by myself”.
In some/most cases the person left solo parenting is the same one who fought hardest for and always wanted a healthy functioning family unit.
We were the responsible, more reliable, more dedicated ones. That’s why we got left to carry the load,
People judge, criticise and belittle but it never gets directed at the absent parent, the bare minimum gets praised for them, but if the parent carrying the weight of it all ever did the bare minimum, The kids would rightly be removed from their care. There are no days off, no sick days and If you drop the ball nobody is going to pick it up.
If you DARE to admit you are lonely, tired or even that you are struggling then you’re judged, scrutinised, criticised and labelled and so are your children.
You have to choose between being you and being mum and dad, if one parent is absent then the present parent has to step up 100% or 95% of the time to 100% of the responsibilities, which leaves 0% or 5% where you are can focus on you, on what you can or want to do, and who you want to be or even who you are other then Mom.
It is always alongside that feeling of overwhelming guilt for that 5% your taking for yourself because you know something is going to fall through the cracks.
As someone who has brought up one son completely alone, and one with co-parenting, but never with a partner, I have done both pregnancy alone, so I can only talk about doing it alone from my own perspective.
I've watched both healthy and unhealthy relationships try to navigate parenting. I have seen the effects of both being raised without two parents, being raised with two devoted and loving parents (my amazing brothers and their better halves) and also being raised in a toxic home with parents who can’t stand each other but “do it for the kids”.
Two things I have noticed and can say from experience,
1. The “Pregnancy Glow” with a woman being loved right during the most important time of her life, is very REAL, the happiness, excitement, and joy. When shared by both is something that I watch in awe.
2. Is that doing all 100% alone is 1000% easier than doing it while trying to navigate through an unhealthy or toxic relationship or co-parenting situation.
It’s all on the inside it’s an idea. “Everyone” has a family with two parents and the kids and maybe a dog in a loving home,
The hardest part of being a single parent is excepting that, that’s just an idea.
You can make your own family just as great as any family with two parents, and although it may be harder ACTUALLY, although it is A-LOT harder, it is 100% more rewarding to know that you raised those amazing boys/girls all by yourself.
The strength determination and willpower that comes from accepting your future is different than what you pictured, when you imagined having a family.
But different doesn’t always have to be bad. Raising children alone is rewarding, lonely, Scary, satisfying, exhausting, but absolutely empowering.
There are so many taboos and judgements made about single mothers,
I’ve talked to both mothers who have had supportive and loving partners and also mothers who did it completely alone and the only difference is the ones that had to do it alone don’t get to share the experience with anybody else that’s it.
We are just as strong, just as good, just as reliable just as independent if not more and just as resilient as everybody else and Our kids are just as smart, just as loving, just as kind and sometimes just a little bit more understanding and accepting than others.
Instead of instantly judging, maybe take a moment to imagine that if every morning and every evening, after a long hard day, you had nobody to share the highs and lows with, to go to bed and have the worries of both parents. Take a look at the strength and courage, it takes to have no choice but to do it alone.
I am a solo parent and yes, there are certain things that my children had to go without, wait longer for and don’t understand. But now my oldest is a young man and I can wholeheartedly say I wouldn’t change a single thing about him he’s honest, kind, strong, opinionated, respectful and hardworking and ME I DID THAT ALONE.
Both of my boys know that their mother did everything she could for them that my world revolves around theirs, that I could never and would never walk away and that I will always do my very best to never let them down, and never break promises, my home will always be their place to run to, my ears and arms will always be open, there to listen and catch them, I’m their biggest fan and gave them a strong foundation, we talk openly and honestly (age appropriate) and I always did everything I had to do to make sure they had everything they needed. It is never ever their responsibility to carry the extra weight, my oldest is never responsible for my youngest and neither is responsible for me or how I feel, that’s my job and it wasn’t a sacrifice it was the most precious, meaningful thing I’ve done with my life. Yes, they saw me struggle fail and make huge mistakes but they also saw me win, fight, overcome, heal, survive and thrive and this is something that makes them stronger and braver and sets them up to do the hard things just like I did.
You can never make up for an absent parent, but you can make sure that you give as much love support and care as every child with two parents gets.
Something I wish I knew early is this and if nothing else remind yourself of this one point anytime you feel like you’re failing!
A young child will only act up or out with a parent they trust and love, the one that is there, the one they know is never going anywhere, so next time your little one comes home from the other parents and seems to be taking everything out on you it’s because you are an amazing Mom and they know you are safe enough to let them be themselves. It’s how they decompress, unwind and process the situation and you are their safe space to do so.
Trust me many a night I sat there feeling like my youngest hated me and hated coming home but as he got older and formed his own personal choices, opinions and a will of steel, I had to push him to leave because this was his safe space. where he can just be himself a funny, cheeky know- it- all that has more love compassion and understanding in his little body than a lot of adults I've met.
You might have to parent alone, but here in this space I hope to create, we can be a team, A Safe Space to share our highs, lows and struggles, no stigma or judgements,
Some of the bravest, strongest people I’ve met in my lifetime are solo parents or have been raised by One🥰.
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