The Importance Healthy Boundaries: A List Of Ways To Empower And Protect Our Children.

In this blog post, we will explore healthy boundaries, why they're important, warning signs to be aware of, and why children must understand the difference between healthy boundaries and unhealthy situations.

As parents, our ultimate goal is to raise our children in such a way that they become productive and valuable members of society.

We aim to help them develop into independent, considerate, confident, and resilient individuals who can navigate the world with a strong sense of self-worth, self-image, compassion and respect.

A crucial aspect of this journey involves teaching our children about healthy boundaries, as well as the potential dangers that exist in the world.

By doing so, we can equip them with the tools they need to stay safe and make informed decisions throughout their lives.

~ Parenting is scary, talking about subjects like this can be uncomfortable.

More often than not we wish we could avoid them altogether,

A lot of people feel they are putting ideas in their children's heads, almost like avoidance is the best preventative.

But the statistics of abuse are terrifying and the likelihood of one of our children experiencing some form of physical, mental, emotional or sexual damage/abuse regardless of age or gender, at some stage of their lives makes some of us want to wrap them in cotton wool and never let them out of our sight.

Personally, it makes me want to equip them with knowledge and tools to navigate this world safely, teach them compassion and empower them for the future.

~ Talking about the difficult things is how we are going to make a difference not only for our own children but for their children to come~

~ Teaching our children how to protect themselves, how to notice when somebody else might be feeling uncomfortable, about consent and about respecting other peoples boundaries~

~Teaching our boys to protect themselves, that their voice and emotions are valued and vital. That standing up for and not ‘standing by’ is important (and how to do so safely), to show respect and know what is expected of them when it comes to protecting our girls rights also.~

~Teaching our girls to have a voice for themselves and for others but also making them aware the damages you can do by making false accusations against another person. ~ (Not only to that person, but to generations of women who have fought hard to have a VOICE.)

According to statistics from the CSO survey 2022: 52% of women reported experiencing sexual violence in their lifetimes; 28% of men reported experiencing sexual violence in their lifetimes; 8% of over-65s reported experiencing sexual violence, both as adults and as children. 1 in 3 Women will experience some form of abuse and 1 in 4 Men in their lifetime.

I first learnt those stats as a 13-year-old child~ What's sad is the fact they have barely changed since then.

It is proof that not enough has been done in all that time to educate or protect our children.

Why I Have A Voice~

I personally experienced countless incidents throughout my childhood, again in my teens and then again as an adult.

Why Am I sharing this?!

Well because chances are if it begins as a child you weren't taught about boundaries (other than adults have all the control). You didn't learn you had a voice.

You craved Unconditional love while learning to love “unconditionally”, and your self-worth and self-esteem struggled.

Predators like in the wild attack the weak, they smell the fear, they spot the “neglected” child who has nobody protecting them, and who is struggling to fit in.

They know a child like that is crying out for attention friendship, love and care, they look out for the overwhelmed struggling parents and make the child their new victim. 

In some cases safe and healthy isn't what brings comfort. They grow up looking for “love” and to them love hurts, takes advantage of you and doesn't respect boundaries.

In fact, boundaries are something that stops others from getting what they want and leaves you feeling guilty.

My oldest never left my side until he was 4 years old and could clearly talk for himself.

I had few trusted people to look after him during the days if I needed to be somewhere, he had never had a sleepover anywhere other than the immediate family homes until he was over 18.

Now that's overprotective 100%, Yet still, there are occasions where I couldn't fully protect him and feel like I have failed him.

He gave me my VOICE!!

Up until I became a mother and probably for many more years I was somewhat of a “doormat”, I was the scapegoat more often than not and always afraid to speak up for myself, always being told I was exaggerating, a drama queen, playing the victim or living in the past...

You're supposed to just move on and forget what happened... Think of what that does to a person who has been told their voice won't matter even if they do tell.. It reinforces everything they've been told and they start to doubt their own experiences.

 By expecting that you are enabling the predators not supporting the survivors.

Trauma has to be acknowledged, understood and then healed. Ignoring it ‘forgetting’ it leads to even more complications future down the line. 

I had learnt from a young age that when it came to adults the more you stand up for yourself, fight or talk back the worse it would be, so I learnt to be quiet, withdrawn, accepting and play dead “on the inside” to pretend I didn't care and to have no ownership of myself or my body just to survive.

I didn't have boundaries, I didn't even have expectations or standards for how I was meant to be treated, I accepted behaviours and made excuses for others, instead of knowing my worth I internalized it all trying to make others see I was worthy of their ‘love’.

I became a people pleaser who begged abusive people to change and treat me right, I spent years explaining why I deserved to be treated better and convincing myself of that was a huge part of it.

When I had my son (being emotionally unavailable doesn't work when you have a baby who needs love and affection), that was the first time I stuck at therapy for multiple years and I still have days that feel like an uphill battle.

Not a single, living breathing soul was going to even raise their voice to him,(life doesn't work that way unfortunately). My own father (an extremely violent and abusive man), showed his colours in front of My Son once and once was enough to never speak to him again ( it's been 15 years).

I grew up watching that man terrorise multiple women, to the point if I told a tale or 2 you would probably need therapy also😅.

The saddest part and the reason I am sharing is that we are not alone there are so many adults who have the same tales and worse. And the fact the stats have remained the same shows how much that is still the case.

Why?! Well because of this ~ 78% of adults who experienced abuse at least once in their lifetimes knew the perpetrators.  This means that only 22% of people experienced it at the hands of a “stranger”.

As a teen a friend of mine said in conversation that “things like that don't happen to her”.

I felt so hurt and I guess offended by that sentence because “things like that” had been happening to me my whole life. I felt like she was blaming me,

but in so many cases she was right ‘Things like that’ usually happen to the person who is already exposed to or struggling, lost etc.. NOT ALWAYS  but I'm sure in the case where 78% of people knew the perpetrator she was right in some way or another.

Really looking back I admire her sense of self-worth and the respect she not only deserved but demanded and just expected.

I used to be shocked and uncomfortable by someone expecting that level of respect,

I was the girl who left the house with 3 layers on just in case something did happen,

who refused to wear dresses or skirts for years. The one who was always vigilant and aware of her surroundings,

the one who was always safe and never took risks, Who can count on one hand the times I got too drunk or out of control because my guard was always up?!

I became the girl who would give in or wouldn't fight back, who would just let it happen and learned to roll with the punches, to sympathise with and have understanding, giving more love to the ones causing the pain because that became easier than fighting and a lot less painful, that eventually left me in situations where I had no choice but to “fight for my life” on more occasions then I'd like to admit,

It took one person to step in and SHOW me I deserved to be protected and had a right to stand up for myself (without strings attached) to change an outlook I'd had my entire life and a whole lot of healing on my part. (Don't ever think what you have to offer a person in trouble is too little always be an advocate for what you believe is right!) 

With that I became one of the Women with a FIGHT AND VOICE 😉.

Who is determined to help others find theirs and ensure that our young people don't have the same struggles. 

~No is a full sentence!

~Leaving any situations you don't feel comfortable in with out explanation is acceptable!

~The bare minimum is never enough! 

~If you ever have to explain to someone you deserve better you've already stayed too long!

We teach our children about ‘stranger danger’ but what about the nice friendly man who only wanted a hug or the family member who always sits the child on their knee despite the Child's clear discomfort and objections,

A child will naturally be drawn to safe people, they will run towards a favourite person or squeal in delight when they see them coming.

Learn your child's mannerisms, if their objections are ignored they will stop expressing them,

~Teach them as young as possible to discover and to trust that “feeling in their tummy”, if it feels wrong then it usually is and they are always able to come to you and you will do whatever ever needs to be done to keep them safe!

Would you rather?!

Our children be safe and comfortable expressing themselves or protect an adult's feelings? (Any adult who is easily offended by a Child's outbursts or natural response, I wouldn't consider a very safe adult in the first place).

~Teach them that if something feels wrong or uncomfortable to them then:

1. They don't have to do it
2. It's okay to express their discomfort

Gone are the days when as a child you were to be “seen and not heard”.

The generation before us deserves that recognition, children are ‘SEEN’ now and with that our generation has given our children a ‘VOICE’,( yes I'd be the first to say some of us took it a little too far).

However, it's not a magic fix that removes all predators and dangers from our world, but it does mean it's less likely to go unnoticed and less likely that a child won't speak up if they are put in uncomfortable situations. 

We teach them about the types of people who don't respect our boundaries and the importance of respecting others.

But in order to do this they first need to understand what boundaries are~

Understanding Healthy Boundaries:

***Healthy boundaries refer to the limits we set for ourselves and others in various relationships and interactions.

***They define the acceptable and respectful ways we expect to be treated, as well as how we treat others.

***Teaching our children about healthy boundaries empowers them to develop self-respect, assertiveness, and a solid understanding of their personal rights while also teaching them the importance of respecting understanding and empathy towards others' rights.

~We start teaching them not really even realising that's what they are, such as not to touch something hot, always wear your seatbelt, looking both ways before crossing the road, don't pet a dog we don't know, (respecting personal space) etc… these are all “normal” simple everyday boundaries we don't even think about.

As our children grow and become their own person who is not always in our presence it's vital for their own safety and the safety of others that we teach them the important ones this includes the awkward and uncomfortable ones also.

No conversations should be off limits (age appropriate). It will usually will be led with a question from your child in some way, that lets you know it's time for “A talk”.

You want to send your teenagers out into the world equipped with knowledge.
In the world we live in now the likelihood of being offered or exposed to things such as drugs, arming themselves with a weapon, self harm, self-medication or falling into the "wrong" crowd is a lot higher,

Would you rather?!

They understand the real consequences of those choices vs. having no clue at all what's being offered to them and letting curiosity get the better of them?!

Be as honest as possible.

The example I like to refer to is ~

Drugs- They don't ruin your life as soon as you take them.. You won't wake up the morning after in active addiction in fact. In the beginning, it can actually feel quite the opposite.

So if you tell your teen there's no coming back from that first try and they find out you're wrong.. They will be less likely to believe you about other things.

You explain the long-term effects.. Show them what it does to a person's brain and body before, during and after.

Explain that sometimes they can help overcome emotional pain or confidence and esteem issues but that there are healthier long-lasting ways to build yourself up that won't leave you dependent on a substance for support.

Did you know?! Not all drugs are on the "street" some of the most addictive ones come from a pharmacy and are what led to the "street" drugs and destruction.

(A subject we could discuss and debate for time I'm sure and one I only wish better information was available to young people about). 

Our young people also have almost 24/7 access to phones the internet and social media (anything you share can be there for life, which is a big deal when a teenage brain isn't able to grasp that far into the future or truly understand the repercussions).

It allows what was once schoolyard bullies a larger platform, with very little escape. Something we were lucky enough to avoid!!

 It also gives predictors larger and more informed access to our young people.

Having open conversations allows your child the space to come to you with the big questions rather then looking for the answers elsewhere.

The Importance of Healthy Boundaries:

1. Self-Esteem and Empowerment:

By understanding and asserting their boundaries, children develop a strong sense of self-esteem. Knowing that their needs and feelings are valid.

This empowers them to make informed decisions and stand up for themselves in various situations. Giving them the power to trust their own instincts and listen to their bodies when something doesn't feel like a wise choice.

2. Establishing Healthy Relationships:

Children who are aware of healthy boundaries are more likely to foster healthy, positive and respectful connections.
They can recognize and respond appropriately to behaviours that violate their boundaries, ensuring their emotional and physical well-being is a priority.

Allowing the chance to reflect on their friendships and relationships as they grow, being able to not only form healthy relationships but be able to offer support and advice to those who are not as fortunate as them, to be able to spot others who maybe in uncomfortable situations and know how to respond safely in those types of circumstances.

Warning Signs with Other Adults:

While most adults prioritize the well-being of children, it is crucial for Moms/parents to be aware of warning signs indicating potentially unsafe situations. These signs may include:

- Excessive secrecy or attempts to isolate the child from the family.

Teach your child the difference between a safe secret and an unsafe secret ( the only “safe secret” for a child is one that doesn't really have to be kept).

- When you are doing something nice for somebody else and you don't want to ruin the surprise, if Nanny snuck you an extra cookie or Grandad slipped you a couple of Euro for the shop as you were leaving.
- The type of secrets that even if you let it slip its no big deal and nobody will be hurt or upset.

If it feels wrong its not a secret that needs to be kept and if a threat is ever attached its definitely one to tell.
As their trusted adult they can tell us anything and we won't break that trust but we will do everything in our power to protect them.

( What needs to be talked about between adults is no concern of the child).

Fear is a huge tool for predators and making sure your child knows they have nothing to fear when it comes to telling Mum is your biggest weapon!

***Never put them in a situation with an individual after an incident where they can be punished for telling.

***Never react negatively or emotionally always take a moment to digest what has been said offer reassurance and understanding. Seeing their trusted adult react negatively or overreact can cause them to shut down and not want to upset the parent anymore.

They will be less likely to confide in you again if they don't get the right response. 90% of the battle is getting them to talk to us in the first place.

Once you have that bond you are already at an advantage.

For a simple ‘everyday’ example of how I built that bond~,

My youngest recently started secondary school and I know he is struggling in a particular class, (he now knows what it means to ‘skip class’ .. he also knows there would be worse consequences for Mom not knowing where he was then for asking me could he) so he text me to ask me if can he can ‘please skip the class’,

I did have a secret laugh to myself because in my eyes I am winning when my child is asking me can he please break the rules, 

 He was kindly told ‘take his ass to class’, he was always going to struggle if he didn't go to the class, we will look into extra help in that subject and I would explain to the teacher if he wanted me to, he went after a little more begging of course.

Here is why he talks to me ~ If there are days he is really struggling I will allow him to come home early or miss a morning class for a McDonald's breakfast, because we all need life to give a little sometimes even as adults don't you wish someone would give you permission to have a mental health day, instead of having to feel guilty for struggling.

I have quite a few stories like this from recent weeks because he has a newfound independence. 

I often get comments on how funny it is the things they tell me but it's how I tried to raise them consciously. ( my aim has always been a conscious parenting style over any other style.) 

Sometimes our children ask us personal questions about us, our friendships, and why we do things certain ways. Not because they want to know the answer but because they want to know it's okay to share personal things.

Give them an honest answer if they do.

Sometimes as parents, we are quick to respond with a short answer implying ‘even when we don't mean to that it's not their business’.

This will carry over and they will treat us the same way in the later years when we wish they would let us in. 

I tend to use the rule- “If they are old enough to ask the question they are mature enough to understand the answer”.  (age-appropriate language of course).

- Keep an eye on adults who break the child's trust by telling you things or telling the child things they shouldn't for example:

If you confide about worries you may have about a child or their behaviours and the adult you talked to then announces that in front of the child causing the child to get upset, feel embarrassed, betrayed or hurt, this is a tactic often used to form a distrust between the parent and the child,

Using something the child told them in confidence to later humiliate or embarrass the child is another example.

- Frequent Boundary Violations or Disrespect.

Even when asked repeatedly not to do so and playing it off like it's no big deal or they were just being 'kind' or 'helpful', That is a huge red flag. Coercive control and gaslighting are two cases where an abuser will do this, it causes victims to second guess themselves and makes it more difficult or unlikely to repeat their request or try to reinforce the boundary. It's not just being ‘nice’ or helpful if you have been asked not to do it!

Ask yourself- Do you forget when someone tells you something you say or do makes them uncomfortable?!
If you didn't mean to do it then.. No you don't in fact it would probably play on your mind for time that you caused them discomfort.. so don't believe them when they use this as an excuse!! 

- Attempts to manipulate or groom the child.

There is rarely a need for a “stranger”, coach, new friendship or partner to start requesting or encouraging spending time with your child alone in the early stages in fact most adults won't really want to spend one-on-one time with a child who isn't blood for at least some time until some sort of bond has been formed,

The child should always be the first to initiate the bond, naturally ask to see the adult or want the adult to be present, and should never be forced by an adult, changes in a child's natural behaviour when certain people are present is not normal,

Yes in some cases a child will act out just because that's what children do if mom is preoccupied, they are testing the boundaries, and of course, every child can sense Moms ‘new relationships’ are often eager to please and advantages can be seized from both sides when mom is also trying to show her best self 😅  how do they respond when they know that adult is on their way over? or has asked to spend time with them?

I remember hearing about an instructor/coach growing up who used to make a point of forming friendships with his young male students, he would collect them outside of hours to “spend some time” with them bringing them camping,etc  I knew some of these boys and always thought it was odd and years later it turned out it wasn't as innocent and kind as he had let on… from deep inside, I wanted to scream why on earth did those mothers allow that?!  what fully grown man without children what's to spending time with children alone that are no relation to him?! (most men are aware of the reality of abuse and know to protect themselves if nothing more).

From the other side part of me can also imagine how a single mother with no other male influences for her Sons might have felt having an offer like that from what she viewed as a well-trusted part of the community.

- Ignoring or Dismissing the Child's Discomfort or Objections.

As I've already mentioned always watch how a child reacts when they know they are going to be spending time alone with an individual. Children can be unpredictable and cranky and will sometimes dismiss something just because 'no' is their word of the day, but if a child becomes withdrawn or their behaviours change or they become visibly uncomfortable or upset it is never a good sign. This can sometimes only work in the early stages because with any form of abuse the victim gets better at hiding it the longer it goes on~

1. To survive and function
2. Out of fear for many different reasons
3. To protect the individual, themselves or relationships 

- Teaching them the difference between safe and unsafe:

Once a child is old enough give them the age-appropriate words they need to tell you if anything happens that is improper or feels uncomfortable, read all the books, buy the childrens books  and do your homework… BUT most importantly talk to your children about the difficult stuff. Teach them the names of their feelings and discuss how they know the difference between each.

Starting School is usually the first conversation you have about respecting other people's boundaries and what their own might be-

something as simple as “some kids don't like to be hugged and we should always ask” or “we don't share lunches” ( some kids have allergies), some children may look different to us and it's never ok to point or make fun of somebody, always invite a child to play  if you see them on their own etc.. (the simple stuff). But also things like our private body parts, how nobody touches theirs and You don't touch anybody else, a teacher must bring you to the toilet if on break and never go to the bathroom or anywhere alone with another child or adult you don't know,

my favourite was  “that if anyone ever says don't tell Mom or Dad then they are the very first things and most important things to tell us” even if they said something bad might happen they are lying. Again I'd rather the uncomfortable conversation than the unimaginable pain of knowing someone hurt my child and they suffered in silence!!

Why Children Should Know the Difference:

Teaching our children to recognize and have an understanding of boundaries is crucial for their safety and well-being. By understanding the difference, children can:

- Feel empowered to say "no" or seek help when their boundaries are violated.

- Develop critical thinking skills to evaluate if a situation feels uncomfortable or unsafe.

- Communicate openly with parents or trusted adults about their experiences.

- Establish a foundation for healthy relationships built on mutual respect and consent.